I'm on my soapbox here because I'm getting screwed by yet another set of "friends" who have used my connections and abilities to create opportunities that exclude me.  They owe me, and they are not even recognizing my role in their good fortune!

Boo-hoo-hoo.  Cry me a river, as the song goes...

Hollywood sucks.  Or maybe it doesn't.  It's all about perspective and expectations - two concepts that normally kill our unrealistic desires to pursue anything let alone a film career, through self-inflicted  wounds.  I see it a lot with students and friends who batter themselves against the walls of business-as-usual in the land of LA-LA.

Because film is considered art many confuse how and why it gets made.   First and foremost, if you remember nothing else about show business it is that the word 'business' isn't an after-thought - it is the noun and the word "show" is the modifier.  Making a film costs money - lots of money - money you do not have and probably can't get yourself working parttime at Carl's Jr while you're writing that perfect script, or framing that perfect shot in your head.  So the business part comes in - hard.  Who, besides some amorphous government grant program, do you think is going to give you that money for free?  All right, so you know this, right?  You get it - someone hipped you to this a long time ago so shut up already, you're thinking.

What you don't get is that the pursuit of those sources of money is like ten-thousand starving and thirsty men and women in a race for a dinner table.  To even get close, you have to kill the competition for that meal or you won't get any.  And if you think sharing is a good idea then you've fully grasped the amazing line in "The Fly" where Jeff Goldlbum asks Gena Davis if she's ever heard of "insect politics."  She shakes her head because there is no such thing - insects eat and procreate and that's pretty much it.  Welcome to Hollywood, the subtext should say.

At any point of opportunity in this business, you're not thinking with a rational part of your brain - you're just thinking - wait, strike that - you're not thinking, not really.  You are just reacting and hoping that you don't slobber too much while you consume something you've wanted and worked for for years.

So, you get that too - you know it's competitive - you've been to the classes and seminars and heard the spiel.  But let's take it one step further - to the real world when you've reached that point where you've done everything, tried everything, worked endless hours and been a really good person to everyone and all - and you're still not getting to even sniff the meal let alone eat or drink any of it.  This is where the rubber hits the road or your chin hits the asphalt as someone else's rubber meets the road they drive away from you.

Let's run some scenarios:

SCENARIO 1: You're in a meeting that you barely managed to arrange and all your ideas have fallen as flat as an aging stripper's boobs.  You're about to be ushered back out to the lava flow where you'll be swept downstream. Suddenly, you remember your friend's great idea about a script he told you that morning and without knowing it you're pouring it out to the producer who LOVES IT!  Now what?  Do you tell your friend and take a chance he won't let you have the idea or work with you on it?  

Or do you just figure out a way to keep it yourself?  

Don't pretend to know the answer until you are there in that office.  Remember, you're a starving man or woman who is finally able to sit at the big table where the adults eat - and they like you - they really, really like you.

SCENARIO 2:  You meet a producer with bigtime connections through a friend who worked his ass off to get to that producer.  You pitch him - of course you do - who doesn't in this business (there's that word again) and he LOVES IT!  Now, do you also say to this Hollywood dude that your friend should be part of any deal you make?  Of course not.  It ain't his deal, is it?  Maybe he had something to do with shaping the idea and he did intro you but it's your idea.  The friend may have made the connection but you made the LOVE connection.  Sorta like dating a girl that your buddy is in lust with but she's digging your chili instead so you hit that one night and blame the peach brandy.  Now you need to deal with the consequences  - but you did get a little something-something and that makes it worthwhile.

SCENARIO 3:  You write a script for a friend who wants to be a independent producer and it's a really great script.  Action-packed, high-concept and all that jazz.  Another producer (a bigger one) hears about the script and wants to buy it for a lot of money.  But you've promised it to your friend - pinky swear.  You shook hands or hugged - real stuff in the world of normal people - but unless it's down on paper and been vetted by ten attorneys it is not real in Hollywood.  And even then it's subject to arbitration.  So you do what?  Sell the script and ask your friend to understand?  Or just pretend that you had a conversation that you never had?  "Dude, I told you unless you were going to move on this I was going to sell it."  "No, you didn't."  "Yes, I f*ing did!  Go to hell!"  And you walk out, head to the 10 freeway, and drive right to Big Producers' office for that story meeting, faking  righteous indignation all the way.

SCENARIO 4:  Someone takes your work, makes some money off it and never tells you about it.  You find out about it but you're understanding - hey, she needed the money.  And it didn't really get sold - just some option money which is only a few thousand dollars (that you could have really used.)  And, like, she really needed the money - so you let it go.  Again.

SCENARIO 5:  Producer to Enthusiastic Writer: I promise <fill in the blanks> so just write this and write that and do this (for free) and when we sell it we'll both be rich. And the check is in the mail, and I love you, and I promise not to c*m in your mouth. (from "To Live And Die In L.A.")

Of course,. you end up with nada but you did it because either they were a friend (or so you thought) and because, of course, you were hungry enough to believe that something good might come of it.  "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" so the saying goes - which is true.  But it's you who venture and you who gain nothing - the producer puts in what?  Semi-good intentions?  Pretty much that's it - they venture nothing and they stand to gain a lot and here's the key, Young Skywalker - they do this simultaneously with a bunch of writers because we're stupid enough to believe we're their favorite and only writer and never question stuff like that.

I've been on the losing end of all these scenarios or combinations of them many times.  Harsh, you think.  Yeah, it is.  It's also what I asked for because I wanted to be in this business.  "There are no victims, just volunteers" one friend told me.  Another said "Well who told you you had to be in this business."  Another said, "Business is business and love is bullshit!"  (Damn, I really wish my mom would lighten up sometimes.)

Yeah, I've got some hard-assed friends who make perfectly valid points.  I either get tough or get out because that's the way this "business" of film is - it's eat your babies, your friend's babies, and then look around for strollers and sippy cups at the park for more.

That's not to say that I haven't met some really decent, honorable people on this journey.  My friend C comes to mind immediately and some of the people who I've met through the Orange County Screenwriters Association.  I won't mention names because I don't want to have to change this article when they screw me (kidding, I kid!)  But, as decent as they are, they've exhibited at times those same traits as the producers and other writers I've met.  

And really, what does anyone owe me?  Do bankers expect other bankers not to try to get clients - each others' client's in fact?  Does a stockbroker worry much about the fact that when he makes a sh*tload of money, he's probably killing someone else's portfolio?  Does even Christo, that artist dude who drapes everything (someone needs to get him some serious therapy) worry about the tens of thousands of insect and animal lives he's destroying when he covers a rainforest with pink silk charmeuse?  

So you seriously think art of any kind is a pretty business?

It can't be this bad, you're thinking.  It can't be this cutthroat.  It simply cannot be this horrifyingly competitive....

Yeah, you're right.  It can't be...

And -

I love you.   The check's in the mail.   I won't c*m in your mouth.